I've heard many a story from adoptees about what and when their adopted parents told them they were adopted, and why.One person told me she always felt something was amiss because at a young age she realized she looked nothing like her parents and when she grew to be much taller than them and the rest of the family she started asking. They ignored her, then denied it. Then, during the chaos of her parents' divorce, they admitted she was adopted and started begging her not to find her birth mother. In an argument between her and her mother, the name of an attorney who had arranged a private adoption was spoken. She tracked him down. He was retired and claimed his files in his home garage had burned. (I don't believe it. How did files burn inside a garage? Spontaneous combustion?) Their unwillingness to be helpful scared her. (And these parents probably called this attorney and told him not to give her information.)
She also said they were Jewish and she felt herself to be a Christian.
This person was emotionally blackmailed as she searched for her birth mother. Her adoptive mother started sending her cards saying "I love you" frequently. Mom also, however, didn't want her daughter to feel that she'd stayed with her husband all those years just to give her a father.
It all scared her.
In high school I met a person who, along with a sibling, had been adopted by a couple, he a non-practicing Christian, she a Kosher observant Jewish women. As a couple they adopted two children who were born Native American and then raised them Jewish. (I believe children are better off adopted than in the foster care system but today there's a notion that Native American children belong with Native Americans.) This person told me that she had no cultural awareness of her origins as a child but school children made comments about her looks, so she felt different. She said that she and her sibling were adopted was clear to them, as they'd been in foster care. Although her childhood wasn't terrific, as an adult she honors her adoptive parents for providing her and her sibling good educations, a nice inheritance that allowed her sibling to start a successful business, and most of all that she grew up with that sibling and has her today. And they identify as Jewish and married Jewish.
Someone else found out they were adopted by going through papers after their father's death.
It seems some parents avoid telling their children or they do and then don't bring it up again.
Do parents have good reasons to shield a child from facts about their adoption? Yes, some do. But also, some parents don't know about their adopted child's origins.
Is there a right time to tell a child they were adopted? Or, with today's technology, conceived through medical science, such as a surrogate mother?
There is. It may be dependent on the stage of development a child is in. For instance, I read that most children are about 10 years old before they understand that grandma was their mother's mother. Till then she's a woman older than their mother who they visit and love.
Parents should be telling their children that they will go through puberty before they do. It seems to me that about the time a parent tells a child the facts of life, a child should be told they were adopted.
Children in some households today are exposed to sexuality on film and the Internet by parents who don't supervise. It seems to me facts of life conversations should happen before children see such film content.
It's my feeling that before teenage years and rated R or X is a best time.
It's a time to tell children about love and commitment as well.
If you are searching for a birth parent and your adoptive parent(s) will be open to it, interview them before you search. Maybe they'll remember some details they didn't mention before when you were younger. But only if you're sure they won't try to sabotage your efforts. This interview is about them too. Some people have felt abnormal because of their own infertility. They may feel ashamed or embarrassed about it. Or feel it is private and not your business.
There are also situations in which an adoption was unofficial or never legal such as when friends or a family member take in a child.
INTERVIEW SUGGESTION
Q: Why did you decide to adopt?
When?
Q: Was it a long process? Did you go to agencies? A lawyer?
Q: Was I born to a relative or family friend or neighbor?
Q: Do you have any paperwork? Letters? Documents? That I should have or copy now that I'm an adult?
Q: Did the agency or lawyer work with any particular church or organization?
(Research that organization. Ask them if they took in children born or living in a diocese or region or from other states.)
Q: What were you told about me? Did you personally visit a home? Institution? Foster parent?
Q: Is my sibling also adopted? From the same place? Mother?
Q: Are you comfortable with my search for my birth parent? Do you want to be involved or know about it? Will you tell me if you remember anything else?
Note: Back in the day before IVF and surrogates, and hormone treatments to increase fertility, it wasn't uncommon for a doctor to have one patient who wanted a child and another who had an unexpected pregnancy.
More Possible Questions:
Why did you decide to adopt?
How did you find me? (Friends, family, doctor, lawyer, agencies?)
How long did it take?
Was I baptized? Where and when?
C2021 Ancestry Worship Genealogy
Adoption Strategies - AWG is the label on this series.
