BEWARE BAIT AND SWITCH GENEALOGY: ADOPTION #5

I was recently asked for an opinion about a "free" adoption search offering by a large company on the Internet that provides databases at no charge, though they want to be credited for information they copied from original sources and own your research that you submit to them too.

What's free?

Listen. I'm offering information free here hoping my readers will "scouts honor" respect my copyright and keep to pro standards as hobbyists. I mean to be helpful. I'm not rich and I know my work has value. It could be argued that I can't afford to not charge. In some cases, maybe Karma is pay.

I've done free professional genealogy. I knew why.

I knew one person to be a senior living in poverty and it was an adoption search based on information her sister had. 

I worked free early on when I wanted to test myself in an area of genealogy I didn't have experience in.

I can't say that this blog or anything else I've given or gave willing turned into paying clients yet I'm not entirely skeptical about what's free. Just to clarify, these days I find myself frustrated with the unprofessional undocumented, speculative, and family rumor stuff posted on various databases (and the way it's copied into others) where there is no human supervision or accountability. 

I let one person know they'd posted information erroneously, that Is been checking for documents every six months for years, and this person never contacted me and -this is scary- auto reported me as abusive. In recent months the potential source for his rumor became available in another country. I've read page by page hundreds of pages related to the church, town, villages, etc. and there is absolutely no documentation and his chart is still wrong.

Increasingly looking at other peoples' so called research work in databases and on the net is time wasting. Time is money. It's better for me not to look at other peoples' work and just start the research looking for documents and do charts of my own knowing I can trust myself.

And I'm under no obligation to submit my work to any site. Neither are you.

But this post is about BUYER BEWARE.

I have a friend that was ripped off by a genealogist in Ireland. He had her related to founding fathers. Wonder how many people he told that to? She found out when she went to Ireland with the chart and learned no such family existed. She went to the church, the archive. A priest told her the chart was impossible due to long lost documents.

Thousands of dollars spent.

She also paid an American to find a branch of her family in upstate New York. He reported finding no connection. (I've since reviewed his work and more about that later.)

Both the Irish genealogist and this American were either fakes or incompetent. This year she found the connection herself in New York.

How many ancestors have found themselves in the afterlife wondering why they've been called into a Baptism for the Dead since they know who they're related to and it's not to you? They must be so confused! (Along with Anne Frank and several others who were being given - spiritually - the option to give up being Jewish!)

You're better off working with a pro you can meet with than a volunteer you'll never meet in person.  (At least on Zoom!) Why? Because while professional standards genealogists are no more psychotherapists than hairdressers are, we are told secrets and are keepers of them. On an adoption search I think you need the wisdom and empathy that comes from dealing with individuals and families who want to know about their heritage - good or bad - the truth.

Sometimes the pro thing to do is admit you cannot go further and that's a difficult thing to do, however, my primary concern re bait and switch is that free adoption searches might lead to being told to sign up for DNA testing that costs money. What private DNA test results become owned by a company and when? Will they sell that information?

Also, will your privacy be invaded when information gleaned from you and their search is placed in a database and even becomes the intellectual property of that company? I suspect freely given information will one day be sold for profit. Why not? Volunteers have done so much free labor, especially database entry, that has been sold for profit.

You see, a volunteer can't do anything more than the adoptee can so I suspect they'll suggest DNA testing. You (or a lawyer you hired) are the only person who can plea you have rights or sign papers asking for the release of information. Now, a pro can guide you to do those things and maybe a volunteer can too but ask yourself and then question them about the use of that information. Read the fine print. This is your personal business. Your family's personal business.)

You can sign up for adoption registries and DNA tests without a genealogist, paid or volunteer. 

The time to take a DNA test might be after you've met someone through a registry or been given possible results by a genealogist. Then a DNA test showing you're related is an affirmation.

Ask if the information you give or are given remains FYI or if it will be entered into a database or Internet site for anyone on earth to see. I personally think that, if so, it opens you and your children to Invasion of Privacy including possibly medical privacy in the future.

Ask yourself why it's important to know who gave birth to you. If the parents who adopted you were loving and good people, maybe it's enough. 

Hey, maybe you're rich and looking for an heir?

THE MAIN REASON I'M SUSPICIOUS OF THESE FREE ADOPTION SEARCHES IS THAT THE BAIT and SWITCH (when they can't do it) IS TO SELL YOU A DNA TEST and you can be those results may not be forever private.

C 2021 Ancestry Worship Genealogy

Adoption Strategies - AWG

INTERVIEW YOUR PARENTS AND RELATIVES : ADOPTION #4

I've heard many a story from adoptees about what and when their adopted parents told them they were adopted, and why.

One person told me she always felt something was amiss because at a young age she realized she looked nothing like her parents and when she grew to be much taller than them and the rest of the family she started asking. They ignored her, then denied it. Then, during the chaos of her parents' divorce, they admitted she was adopted and started begging her not to find her birth mother. In an argument between her and her mother, the name of an attorney who had arranged a private adoption was spoken. She tracked him down. He was retired and claimed his files in his home garage had burned. (I don't believe it. How did files burn inside a garage? Spontaneous combustion?) Their unwillingness to be helpful scared her. (And these parents probably called this attorney and told him not to give her information.)

She also said they were Jewish and she felt herself to be a Christian. 

This person was emotionally blackmailed as she searched for her birth mother. Her adoptive mother started sending her cards saying "I love you" frequently. Mom also, however, didn't want her daughter to feel that she'd stayed with her husband all those years just to give her a father.

It all scared her.

In high school I met a person who, along with a sibling, had been adopted by a couple, he a non-practicing Christian, she a Kosher observant Jewish women. As a couple they adopted two children who were born Native American and then raised them Jewish. (I believe children are better off adopted than in the foster care system but today there's a notion that Native American children belong with Native Americans.) This person told me that she had no cultural awareness of her origins as a child but school children made comments about her looks, so she felt different. She said that she and her sibling were adopted was clear to them, as they'd been in foster care. Although her childhood wasn't terrific, as an adult she honors her adoptive parents for providing her and her sibling good educations, a nice inheritance that allowed her sibling to start a successful business, and most of all that she grew up with that sibling and has her today. And they identify as Jewish and married Jewish.

Someone else found out they were adopted by going through papers after their father's death.

It seems some parents avoid telling their children or they do and then don't bring it up again.

Do parents have good reasons to shield a child from facts about their adoption? Yes, some do. But also, some parents don't know about their adopted child's origins. 

Is there a right time to tell a child they were adopted? Or, with today's technology, conceived through medical science, such as a surrogate mother? 

There is. It may be dependent on the stage of development a child is in. For instance, I read that most children are about 10 years old before they understand that grandma was their mother's mother. Till then she's a woman older than their mother who they visit and love. 

Parents should be telling their children that they will go through puberty before they do. It seems to me that about the time a parent tells a child the facts of life, a child should be told they were adopted.

Children in some households today are exposed to sexuality on film and the Internet by parents who don't supervise. It seems to me facts of life conversations should happen before children see such film content.

It's my feeling that before teenage years and rated R or X is a best time.

It's a time to tell children about love and commitment as well.

If you are searching for a birth parent and your adoptive parent(s) will be open to it, interview them before you search. Maybe they'll remember some details they didn't mention before when you were younger. But only if you're sure they won't try to sabotage your efforts. This interview is about them too. Some people have felt abnormal because of their own infertility. They may feel ashamed or embarrassed about it. Or feel it is private and not your business. 

There are also situations in which an adoption was unofficial or never legal such as when friends or a family member take in a child. 

INTERVIEW SUGGESTION

Q: Why did you decide to adopt?

When?

Q: Was it a long process? Did you go to agencies? A lawyer? 

Q: Was I born to a relative or family friend or neighbor?

Q: Do you have any paperwork? Letters? Documents? That I should have or copy now that I'm an adult?

Q: Did the agency or lawyer work with any particular church or organization?

(Research that organization. Ask them if they took in children born or living in a diocese or region or from other states.)

Q: What were you told about me? Did you personally visit a home? Institution? Foster parent?

Q: Is my sibling also adopted? From the same place? Mother?

Q: Are you comfortable with my search for my birth parent? Do you want to be involved or know about it? Will you tell me if you remember anything else?

Note: Back in the day before IVF and surrogates, and hormone treatments to increase fertility, it wasn't uncommon for a doctor to have one patient who wanted a child and another who had an unexpected pregnancy.

More Possible Questions:

Why did you decide to adopt?

How did you find me? (Friends, family, doctor, lawyer, agencies?)

How long did it take?

Was I baptized? Where and when?

C2021 Ancestry Worship Genealogy

Adoption Strategies - AWG  is the label on this series.

MY SPECIAL CHAIR

 

GET THAT NONIDENTIFYING INFORMATION : ADOPTION #3

So, while a person decides if he's ready to put himself on reunion registries, I'm going to advise him to go get that non identifying information from his Closed Adoption. That information can be very useful. It can help him add more information on a reunion registry.  

Non-identifying information is obtained from The Department of Social Services for your state, the state that issued your Amended birth certificate.

The non-identifying information can be like a biography. It's missing names but can give you and anyone reading your information some clues. Some files are more detailed than others. Yours might say what the ethnic identity of your birth mother is. Now that may just be one of her ethnicities, related to her surname, what she said or someone else's judgement. Or it might say that she was in her second year of college. How old the parent was - that's helpful. What their professions were. It might say she was from Iowa though she gave birth in Pennsylvania. And if they were married.  (Yes, married people did sometimes give up a child for adoption.) 

Why do you suppose this information was collected? Well, beyond some attempt to profile and understand the people who were giving up a child and why, adoption agencies liked to tell prospective parents why as well. For instance, some parents felt more comfortable with a religious or ethnic match. They might like the idea that a married couple simply couldn't afford another child. (I met a man who learned his parents kept the first ten children they had and put the next three up for adoption. He was number twelve.) 

One of my college professors told the class that she was an adopted child whose parents used to say to her, "But don't you worry, you were a good baby." She was never sure what they meant but she knew they were commenting on her family of origin and not her behavior in a highchair.

What can you do with education information? Well, there's newspapers and yearbooks. That could be real helpful in a small town. Is there anyone in a yearbook who you look like? (Ask someone else to also look at the photos.) 

So, if you're looking for a birth parent, this is a way to get the ball rolling, so to speak. 

C 2021

Adoption Strategies - AWG is the label you can click on to bring up ALL the ADOPTION STRATEGY POSTS IN THIS SERIES

BYPASSING GENEALOGY USING REUNION REGISTRIES: ADOPTION #2

Why is this post number two instead of further down the line? 

Well, if an adoption happens in the United States, much depends on the rules of the state and when the adoption occurred. A person's adoption can be Closed or Open.

Closed Adoption is the traditional way. Closed means that the adoptee may be entitled only to non-identifying information. That means the identity of the birth mother and father were not meant to be revealed. The birth parents were guaranteed privacy. It was thought to be a clean and permanent break that was best for everyone. 

Information such as "mother is recent immigrant and unwed who has TB" is non-identifying. "Mother is Susan Smith, a resident of County TB hospital" is identifying.

After birth, a child is usually issued a "birth certificate" (and some hospitals also gave parents one from the hospital - I have both) but rather than certifying a birth it's intended to certify the parents and who is responsible. A mother can claim a father is unknown or name someone - her husband or another man - and who knows what's true. (Actress Marilyn Monroe/ Norma Jeane Baker faced this issue. DNA testing may have the answer.) But original birth certificates are right about who the mother is, unless there were quite unusual circumstances in which a deception was pulled off. (Such as in the biblical story of Moses.)

When a legal adoption occurs, a new "birth certificate" is issued, called an AMENDED birth certificate. The adopting parents' names go on the paperwork and a new certificate with a new number is issued. If you're an adoptee this is the birth certificate, you'll get from your state of birth. 

Open Adoption means that information about the birth mother and father will be available but that doesn't mean at no charge or instantly or that the person will be alive and locatable.

I've heard of modern adoption agreements that include yearly photos and letters sent by adoptive parents to the birth mother. Some make agreements that the child may only have the information from their parents after the age of 18. This all in the last 20-30 or so years when children to adopt have become more difficult to find. Why? Because of legal abortion. Because there is less stigma about illegitimacy and more unwed mothers decide not to allow adoption and raise children as single moms. And because, oh I hate to say this but, adoptive parents still prefer babies and it's become competitive. An older child in foster care may be available but well, it's like some people only want a puppy from a private owner and won't take a shelter dog. (My dog is a shelter dog. I'm her third human mom.) Oh. I know it can be more complicated than that but having had a friend who earnestly and expensively tried to adopt and failed I think it's gotten ridiculous. 

Sometimes a parent doesn't tell the child they're adopted. I've heard of deathbed confessions. I've also heard of a parent going through a divorce suddenly telling a teenager before a custody battle. And DNA testing has revealed affairs and now plays a part in searches and reunions.

There are a few ideas about why an adoptee might want to know those who provided their genetic inheritance and why they have a right to know. One reason that seems less important these days is medical information. Getting the medical information used to be a good reason to unseal a Closed Adoption and appealing to a sympathetic judge sometimes worked. But rarely. You see, our medical knowledge has rapidly advanced and now it's understood that a good yearly physical is better information than the old idea that a person should know that a birth parent had certain medical condition.

Same goes for mental illness. What difference could it make to know mom had schizophrenia or dad was a vet with shell shock? Maybe it's genetics. Maybe not.

I'll refute that idea that medical and mental information about parents isn't a valid reason to unseal a Closed Adoption a bit in a future post.

Yes, sometimes a genealogist can run with some basic information and quicky come up with the answer of who or where a parent is. It depends on if the person was told the truth in the first place to tell the genealogist the truth. 

Because one person I did a search for relayed the truth and because of the Internet, my all time record for finding a father who was never in his daughter's life was one afternoon. It made me wonder why her mother wasn't more curious - or if mom knew where he was all along.

Working with another genealogist years ago, we together were about ninety percent certain in one afternoon that a birth mother belonged to a certain family. 

In the first case the woman could've picked up a phone. 

In this second case we thought that if we went to a certain house, we would encounter the family members who might know something. (Not that we would. The next step was being contemplated. Showing up on a doorstep demanding answers is not such a good idea.)

In either case, the adoptee was more than surprised. Unable to cope. Frozen in indecision. Due to the rapidity. 

If a person was adopted in a state where adoptions were Closed, you may have no chance of opening up the files. Which is where an adoption registry can be the answer. Many states have them.

There are possible ways around it, which I'll get into, but before I do I want to say that I think being in therapy, be you the birth parent or the adoptee, is a good idea. The not knowing really bothers some people and can create anxiety. Sometimes a person fears what they will learn. They may feel guilty for wanting to know. The adoptive parents may be uncomfortable or object. A person might not know how to integrate a found birth parent into their life or find they don't want to. A spouse may not be on board. A birth mother may have been under legal age and forced by her parents to give up a baby, married later, and never told her husband. Parents who put their children in an institution may have suffered despite this being their only option. Rape is the reason for too many conceptions and that trauma may be too much to deal with.

I can't take a poll but it's my guess that unwed motherhood was and is the number one reason children were given up, poverty being the second. 

So many children are now born to single mothers - without a father in their lives - but into the 1970's there was still a stigma about unwed motherhood. In the 1960's and 1970's parents were still sending underage and unwed daughters away to other states to have babies. To this day there are homes for unwed mothers run by religious organizations and where abortion is condemned. As I hear it there is immense pressure for mothers to give up their babies for adoption in these places. 

A person doesn't know how knowing their birth information will affect them. This is why having a therapist to talk to can possibly help.

So, about those Closed Adoptions. 

My friend's husband, previously mentioned, remembers having a younger brother. Relatives told him years later that this brother was taken away from their mother in the 1960's and put into foster care. He assumes the little brother was adopted. This all happened in the state of Florida. My strong suggestion was to sign up for the Florida Adoption Reunion Registry. (FARR) Even if this brother was not adopted, his half-brother has no right to ask for his birth certificate in Florida. If he were allowed to have it, the existence of it with their mother's name on it would tell the story that he lived out his life in foster care. There wouldn't be a name change. We could find him. 

My suggestion was to sign up with FARR. 

FLORIDA ADOPTION AND REUNION REGISTRY

California also has an adoption registry. Using it, a young man who signed up as soon as legally able was reunited with a brother within a week.

I know you can research it and locate other registries.

Here is a free one that's possibly the oldest and largest!

INTERNATIONAL SOUNDEX REUNION REGISTRY

Soundex is a search method for bringing up surnames that sound alike.

C 2021

Adoption Strategies - AWG

TEETHING

 

LET'S TALK: ADOPTION #1

I was in high school before I met someone who had been adopted. She felt different. I have no idea if she ever sought her birth parents. Since then I've met several people who have been on that path for years.

About 135,000 children are adopted a year in the United States, about 15 percent of those being from a parent or parents who give up a baby, according to adoptionnetwork.com. 

26 percent of children adopted by Americans are brought in from other countries these days. 

Other adoptions occur when a step-parent officially adopts their partner's child in which case there are known birth parents. Such children can do genealogy charts for their genetic and legal lines of parentage without trying to get through sealed adoptions.

Like all interesting subjects, adoption is a complicated one. 

I usually don't plan my posts for this blog very far in advance but last December, months into Corona-19 plague, this history we are living through, I noticed an increase in readership, friends started working on their genealogy again. I also found myself back to working on my book. 

One friend called me to say that their husband had decided he wanted to find a little brother he remembers, a brother who got adopted. 

The death around us makes some of us think about our lives before the pandemic which we've been living in such a limited way. Who do we love? Who did we love? For some of my friends it's, "Why didn't I have that baby?

Why do I blog about genealogy research and family history writing beyond the fact that the subject never fails to excite me and has only become more so because of the additional knowledge due to DNA science? 

My intention is to help other researchers and urge readers towards personal professional standards as well as adding some sizzle to your family history writing with research. 

You know from reading ANCESTRY WORSHIP Genealogy BlogSpot that I'm also into reincarnation, which in Western culture is still Alternative Spirituality. I could've avoided mentioning that, though it surely turns some readers off, but I want to be authentic. I believe we are more than biological entities and this life we are experiencing has meaning. The idea that we incarnate within a family on assignment is interesting. So are the memories of other lives and different families reported by children. And I love the idea that our transition out of the body during death is not alone. That someone who went before us is there to greet us and that person may be an ancestor.

I'm a researcher and writer and spiritual explorer as a human being. It's understanding the human condition and being human myself that helps me connect with clients.

Genealogist and their clients used to be thought of as snobs, intending to prove connection to people to brag about, but my experience is just the opposite. People from every heritage want to know more about their ancestors, those on whose shoulders they stand. 

Sometimes what we have to remember is their endurance and persistence through hardships. How are we like them? Not? Can we imagine their lives? Could they imagine ours?

(Could my GGmom born in Europe in 1888, who watched the moon landing on a black and white television, holding her head in amazement, imagine one of her descendants on a tourist trip to Mars?)

Genealogists find documents that are evidence of human life and sometimes I think we understand it better than most people. Things that individuals or families are ashamed of: we're not shocked, we've heard or seen it before - most of the time. We are also the keeper of secrets. So, when I post about research experience, I make sure to keep some details private, change names, if I use any, and most often I let some time ago by to also put that veil of privacy over them.

I hope upcoming posts about Adoption will be helpful to you. You can find previous posts on adoption in my archives or click on the label "adoption."

C 2021  Ancestry Worship - Genealogy BlogSpot

This post is part of a series.  To pull up all the posts in the series, click on the tag

Adoption Strategies - AWG

SO HAPPY TO HAVE BABY

 

 

Ancestry Worship - Genealogy