ESTRANGED BY JESSICA BERGER GROSS : ANCESTRY WORSHIP - GENEALOGY : BOOK REVIEW

 

I felt a tension as I read this page-turner book, creatively written by Jessica Berger Gross. The scenes of domestic violence are impactful but I admit I kept wondering if it was building to worse violence, especially as the author went through puberty. I kept wondering if there was going to be a diagnosis, especially of her angry father's mental illness since he lost work over it. There was not. 

The beatings described are actually the most common form of domestic violence; A mother who cannot leave with her children, a mother who does not stop her husband from abusing her daughter, everyone thinking "it's not so bad" or counting time by the periods of relative quiet. Rewriting history. A brother who has learned by his parent's example it is OK to beat up his sister as well. Eventually sisters in law who wonder if it is OK to leave the grandchildren with their grandparents and seem to dismiss physical abuse potential as not so bad.

Jessica achieved.  She went to Vassar.  She traveled.  Like many young adults, she explored and had experiences that would help her discover who she was other than a daughter, what she thought and believed, where she did or did not fit. Slowly she found a person or two who she could tell. Telling was risky. She fell in love. She had relationships. However, the whole time she was just holding on and didn't always know that. A mental breakdown had been staved off but was almost inevitable and she was the one - I say the healthiest one in the family - who sought help and was also forced to find help. A loving and loyal partner made a difference.

Like many people who have to go NO CONTACT, Ms. Berger was not thinking, "I will never see them or speak to them again," she was simply unable to take any more and saw that she was better off not knowing her family of origin, even though she could remember good times and that her parents had also done thing that showed them to be in some ways caring parents. She felt shame in having been abused and guilt in cutting off her family.  She wondered about religious observances, and she experienced a serious depression.  She quit a job she fought for and made a boss angry.  She heard that "you will never work in this town again' kind of message and even considered suicide.

As Jessica became a married woman who wanted children, she experienced a longing for her own mother at times. A miscarriage and infertility made having her own family difficult.  Going NO CONTACT is not an easy decision or one that a person won't question.  Importantly, she sees forgiveness not as "forgive and forget" but as acceptance. 

Are you a person who was abused as a child or holding to unspoken contracts within youf family to remain in the role of the child who will accept abuse?

C Ancestry Worship - Genealogy BlogSpot

THE WALMART CHRISTMAS SHOPPING NIGHTMARE and THOSE DNA TESTS

The holidays as they are celebrated these days add more stress to family life.

I was thinking about this today because I had to go to Walmart.  Yes it had to be Walmart.  I had not been in one since last fall.  But I went.  The place was total confusion. Parents clutching fairy light sets and stacks of toys.  Children running around undisciplined - maybe they lost their parents an hour ago?  Greeters not allowed to leave their post to help you get a cart.

As is usual, it was near impossible to find an employee on the sales floor at all.  I asked one about the pricing of some items that were unmarked and she told me to go scan for the price myself.  And she was on her cell phone.  As was the security guard.  The line for less than 20 items was around and down an isle.  Half way to what I thought was a register I learned I was in the line to check myself out.  This company makes so much money, and they pay badly enough that employees have to get government help for food and shelter and a cashier was replaced by this check yourself out.  I refused so I went into another line. What could I have been thinking when I went shopping at all for the holidays?  There were things on my list that I could have also bought at Walmart, but I got out of there rather than look through picked over departments where things went unstocked or were disorganized.  I once worked retail.  There used to be pride in retail. More and more do it yourself at discount places.

One of the things I didn't find out was if Walmart is, like CVS, and some other places, stocking discounted DNA tests.  CVS sells kits for determining parenthood as well as DNA heritage.

I bring this up because I got a call about helping someone actually figure out what their results meant.

Someone else used two different companies and got different results from each.  What could that mean?

So here goes:

DNA  test results are statistical analysis using a pool of candidates; the other people who also turned in their results to that particular company.  Overall, the more people who contribute and are part of the statistics, the "better" or more accurate the results when it comes to ethnicity.  Even then, ethnicity is rather a broad term because we are just starting to understand how it is that people migrated, how they bred.  Overall, more males migrated than females due to their roles - gender assigned.  For instance, more men were explorers, travelers, traders, in armies, in crusades. Sometimes a man settled somewhere other than where he was born and raised.  (There were also army camp followers who were women - wives, prostitutes, nurses, but you get the idea here.)  If you look at some of the websites that attempt to show the statistics using other kinds of charts - such as maps - you will see that the zones spread out. Also, be aware that as time goes on, there may be discoveries of DNA that is identified with different codes.  When you look at any article or map or statistical analysis of DNA results, try not to read anything more than a year or so old.  Really.  Right now even the Out of Africa theory has a challenge.

Someone "reminded" me that we are all out of Africa.
It's usually someone who wants to "remind" others not to be prejudiced against people who appear Black.

There is more DNA variation in African Black people than anywhere else.
However, ethnicity is considered a fairy recent invention by anthropologists.

C 2018  Ancestry Worship - Genealogy BlogSpot

QUESTION FROM READER : HOW CAN I DO GENEALOGY WHEN I COME FROM A SCREWED UP FAMILY? : QUESTIONS FROM READERS of ANCESTRY WORSHIP - GENEALOGY

Question for Ancestry Worship - Genealogy

I would like to do family history research and genealogy, but I'm getting nowhere with my screwed up family. There is no cooperation and I don't even think they're much interested. When I go to research at my local Family History Center I'm surrounded by people who have decent families that are happy, helpful, and excited to learn more about their people. I say not a word, since I don't want to lie, but I also don't want to tell the truth, that in my family no one says I love you, there's no sharing at the dinner table, and the only thing that can be counted on are crazy scenes.  It's lonely.

Should I just forget it?

Elizabeth

Answer from Ancestry Worship - Genealogy

Elizabeth, you're not the only person who's embarked on the exciting adventure of learning more about your family history and ancestry without cooperation. Seems to me the one thing you cannot count on is that your research work will heal your family. But since there are so very many reasons why people do get into their research work, I urge you to stick with it, just for YOU!  Maybe you'll achieve a greater understanding of your people, which will be interesting for you, if not healing. 

At Family History Centers and other research libraries, though many people do share about their families and their research, and you can learn a lot from each other on how to, it's best to keep to a professional attitude. Pretend the family you are researching isn't yours!

Also take heart in knowing that almost every family has some stinkers. While researching aside other people I've heard many stories about what got dug up... in particular domestic violence. One researcher learned that her great grandfather had been killed when his granddaughter finally retaliated and he went rolling down the stairs. There were news articles about it and interestingly, the granddaughter was never arrested or prosecuted because everyone in town knew this man was a monster.

Researching history and genealogies has actually made me more of a feminist than ever. I'm so glad women have more choices about their lives and don't have to marry or stay married to have a place in this world.

I've also met people who were so not politically correct, they didn't even mind being known as bigots. I had networked for one family because of a dead end, and learned that a dozen researchers were working on the same issue, which brother, living in a Carolina compound, had which father. To know would have meant proofing the link to a well known historical family in Scotland.  DNA had just become available, and this person had reached out to me to locate someone who would be willing to take the test, and I knew exactly where the only candidate lived. But before I could write to this man and plea the case of the very many researchers who needed to know, it was suggested to me that the family had been Jewish. I put that out there for comment.

I got a railing, seething e-mail that made my heart pound as someone suggested to me this could not be because, to paraphrase, "The family is Christian and loves Jesus Christ and everybody knows Jews are "Christ Killers" so it is impossible!"

So, Elizabeth, get ye down to your local Family History Center and learn to be a genealogist.  It will preserve your intellect far better than doing crossword puzzles, and someday you too will meet others with screwy families!

C 2016-2025 Ancestry Worship Genealogy BlogSpot

GENEALOGY CANNOT BE COUNTED ON TO HEAL A FAMILY

A dysfunctional family is unlikely to be healed because some member decides to unify it with genealogy research! Still, persist! For you may just heal yourself in the process!

I've had students who were so lucky to have united family that documents seemed to arrive in their mail every week. They were able to create warm and fuzzy memory books with ease - never mind actual research. But announcing that you have a genealogy project - for the benefit of every family member - does not seem to cause cooperation when you need it, and you may find that some of your family informants will fall from their pedestals when your research proves that they are full of stories that are not true.

Such was the case when one student heavily relied on her aunt, the matriarch of the family. This matriarch spoke with authority and claimed credit for naming her siblings (some who proved to have been born before she was). She had also faked wedding dates to cover unplanned pregnancies and claimed a first wife had died rather than that there was a divorce and the kidnapping of a child.

She could be credited for INVENTING family, perhaps where there was none...